1 00:00:11,103 --> 00:00:13,732 The new low-calorie, high-energy soft drink. 2 00:00:13,905 --> 00:00:16,807 Take advantage now of the special introductory offer... 3 00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:20,002 presently being made by your friendly neighborhood grocer. 4 00:00:20,178 --> 00:00:23,637 This week only, an eight-bottle carton will be on sale... 5 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,841 for the price of our regular six-pack. 6 00:00:26,018 --> 00:00:28,681 - The show started. - I told you we should have come earlier. 7 00:00:28,854 --> 00:00:31,585 Tonight, Joe White will have as his guest... 8 00:00:31,757 --> 00:00:33,953 on this provocative hour of conversation... 9 00:00:34,126 --> 00:00:35,287 an American Nazi. 10 00:00:35,761 --> 00:00:39,562 A man who's claimed to have spent last weekend in a flying saucer. 11 00:00:39,731 --> 00:00:43,099 And a young lady who's remarkably successful first novel... 12 00:00:43,268 --> 00:00:45,635 has created a storm of controversy. 13 00:00:46,204 --> 00:00:47,695 That's what I like about Joe. 14 00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:51,435 He comes to grips with the burning issues of our times. 15 00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:54,239 And now, ladies and gentlemen, here he is. 16 00:00:54,413 --> 00:00:58,441 The one, the only, Joe White. 17 00:01:04,756 --> 00:01:06,418 Thank you. 18 00:01:08,894 --> 00:01:12,092 Our first guest tonight, Miss Jacqueline Midcult... 19 00:01:12,264 --> 00:01:14,392 the schoolteacher who wrote the dirty book. 20 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,833 I beg your pardon. My book is not dirty. 21 00:01:19,004 --> 00:01:22,338 Tell me, how did a girl of your tender years... 22 00:01:22,507 --> 00:01:27,002 presumably delicate upbringing, write a book like this? 23 00:01:27,779 --> 00:01:29,145 Mr. White! 24 00:01:29,314 --> 00:01:32,478 How did a man of your obvious breeding, and kindly appearance... 25 00:01:32,651 --> 00:01:35,621 ever get to be so un... Unbearably rude? 26 00:01:36,588 --> 00:01:37,783 Chalk one up for her. 27 00:01:37,956 --> 00:01:40,084 I'm asking the questions, Miss Midcult. 28 00:01:40,258 --> 00:01:42,784 Well, your questions are leading, Mr. White. 29 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,981 - There's nothing here. - She must have taken them with her. 30 00:02:04,149 --> 00:02:07,779 - But she's scheduled to die in... - Four minutes. 31 00:02:07,953 --> 00:02:10,650 - What can we do? - Nothing. 32 00:02:10,822 --> 00:02:12,723 Except watch. 33 00:02:15,227 --> 00:02:18,595 All right, so with this novel of yours, and I use the term loosely. 34 00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:23,168 Isn't it just a... A thin deception for naked obscenity? 35 00:02:23,335 --> 00:02:27,204 - It is not obscene, my book is... - Pieces of Fate, right? 36 00:02:27,372 --> 00:02:28,372 Yes, Pieces of Fate. 37 00:02:28,540 --> 00:02:31,772 It's a spy story about... About people under stress. 38 00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:35,209 Come on now, what we're talking about here is just dirt. 39 00:02:36,047 --> 00:02:38,312 Blatant, outright filth, isn't it? 40 00:02:38,483 --> 00:02:40,349 It is not, it's... It's... 41 00:02:40,519 --> 00:02:43,853 What I try to do is portray real people, in real situations... 42 00:02:44,022 --> 00:02:45,581 Real people? Oh, come on, now. 43 00:02:45,757 --> 00:02:47,706 Everybody knows that real secret agents 44 00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:49,956 don't get involved in this kind of intrigue. 45 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,596 In this kind of sex. 46 00:02:51,763 --> 00:02:54,562 Everybody knows we don't get mixed up in things like that. 47 00:02:54,900 --> 00:02:55,924 Sure they do. 48 00:02:56,101 --> 00:02:59,503 Oh, wait a moment. This gentleman on the docket wants to ask you a question. 49 00:02:59,671 --> 00:03:00,730 Yes, sir? 50 00:03:01,106 --> 00:03:03,598 What I wanna say to this lady is this: 51 00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,362 Vanished. 52 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:37,309 Now that's the way to get a rating. 53 00:04:30,495 --> 00:04:33,932 Chapter one of Jacqueline Midcult's novel, gentlemen. 54 00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:37,092 In which a deadly band of villains known as Killjoy... 55 00:04:37,269 --> 00:04:40,933 prepare to seed the trade winds with anthrax germs. 56 00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:43,905 And in 1962... 57 00:04:44,509 --> 00:04:48,378 Thrush Central's top maneuver is scotched by ourselves. To wit? 58 00:04:48,546 --> 00:04:51,983 The destruction of Thrush's floating laboratory in the Indian Ocean... 59 00:04:52,150 --> 00:04:55,951 from which they planned to seed the trade winds with anthrax. 60 00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:57,817 Chapter two of the Pieces of Fate. 61 00:04:58,623 --> 00:05:01,957 In which Killjoy's head assassin, the Spider... 62 00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:07,225 is killed by the sexy female spy, May Waltzer... 63 00:05:07,399 --> 00:05:09,561 and thrown into the heart of Mount Vesuvius. 64 00:05:09,734 --> 00:05:13,967 And in 1965, our top female operative, April Dancer... 65 00:05:14,472 --> 00:05:18,500 encounters the Thrush killer, Adam Locust. 66 00:05:18,677 --> 00:05:22,114 And disposed of him on the slopes of Mount Etna. 67 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:26,513 Our computer section has compared this alleged novel, gentlemen... 68 00:05:26,685 --> 00:05:28,347 with our closed case files. 69 00:05:29,187 --> 00:05:33,124 The similarities run to a staggering 88 percent. 70 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:36,420 So the conclusion is that Jacqueline Midcult's novel... 71 00:05:36,594 --> 00:05:40,361 is based on actual instance involving Thrush and ourselves. 72 00:05:40,532 --> 00:05:42,933 - Has she had access to our files? - No. 73 00:05:45,337 --> 00:05:48,177 Well, then the only other source would have to be the missing diaries... 74 00:05:48,340 --> 00:05:51,208 of the late Thrush historian, Charles Coltrane. 75 00:05:51,376 --> 00:05:52,901 Exactly. 76 00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:56,842 Somehow Miss Midcult found those diaries. 77 00:05:57,148 --> 00:06:01,745 And presumably, they contain information about future Thrush plans. 78 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,048 Hence their interest in the young lady. 79 00:06:04,222 --> 00:06:05,781 And ours, Mr. Kuryakin. 80 00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:11,340 Well, it seems quite simple, all you have to do is to find Ms. Midcult... 81 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:14,330 and, uh, get her to tell you where the missing diaries are. 82 00:06:15,533 --> 00:06:18,025 - Oh, you hadn't heard? - Heard what? 83 00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:21,765 Miss Midcult was grazed by the assassin's bullet. 84 00:06:22,107 --> 00:06:23,598 Struck her head when she fell. 85 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,673 She has partial amnesia. 86 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:29,075 Hm. 87 00:06:30,048 --> 00:06:32,540 The diaries were kept by a man named Coltrane. 88 00:06:32,717 --> 00:06:35,881 And when Thrush became aware of his, uh, hobby... 89 00:06:36,054 --> 00:06:38,387 they were afraid that he might blackmail them... 90 00:06:38,556 --> 00:06:39,922 so they had him killed. 91 00:06:40,091 --> 00:06:41,634 Oh, that's terrible. 92 00:06:41,658 --> 00:06:44,791 Yeah, and they never did find the diaries. 93 00:06:44,963 --> 00:06:48,866 And for some reason, uh, somehow, you did. 94 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,902 And you used at least part of one of the stories... 95 00:06:52,070 --> 00:06:54,767 as the background for your novel. 96 00:06:57,008 --> 00:07:00,604 - I still don't remember. - You don't remember writing the book? 97 00:07:04,783 --> 00:07:06,012 No. 98 00:07:06,184 --> 00:07:08,779 Oh, but I read it this morning. It's pretty good don't you think? 99 00:07:08,953 --> 00:07:11,445 Yes, I would say it's evoking some interest. 100 00:07:11,623 --> 00:07:13,524 - You know the part I like best? - Mm-mm. 101 00:07:13,691 --> 00:07:15,557 - Oh, could you open this please? - Mm-hm. 102 00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:18,697 I like the part where the schoolteacher goes back to visit her relatives... 103 00:07:18,863 --> 00:07:21,389 and all those things happen to her. 104 00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:27,266 You know, I have a feeling I wrote that out of my own experience. 105 00:07:27,439 --> 00:07:28,998 - Really? - Mm. Thank you. 106 00:07:29,174 --> 00:07:32,804 You don't remember the name of the town now. 107 00:07:33,211 --> 00:07:35,806 - Wilmo, Illinois. - No, no, no, that's the fictional town. 108 00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:38,745 Uh, the real town. Can't you recall that? 109 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,283 Mm... 110 00:07:40,452 --> 00:07:41,613 Mm-mm. 111 00:07:41,786 --> 00:07:43,948 - Sorry. - Yeah. Ah. Uh-huh. 112 00:07:44,122 --> 00:07:46,489 All right, I tell you... 113 00:07:46,658 --> 00:07:48,422 - we'll try later, okay? - All right. 114 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:51,153 - Okay, goodbye. - Bye-bye. 115 00:08:00,839 --> 00:08:02,774 I had no way of knowing, Mr. Zark. 116 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,781 The U.N.C.L.E. agents came out of the audience. 117 00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:06,411 It's true, I didn't kill her but... 118 00:08:06,578 --> 00:08:11,881 When I was 13 years old, I made my first genuinely original decision. 119 00:08:12,817 --> 00:08:14,911 I killed a playmate because he wouldn't trade me... 120 00:08:15,086 --> 00:08:17,851 two bubblegum cards to complete my collection. 121 00:08:18,389 --> 00:08:21,518 But, sir, you don't know where the diaries are. 122 00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:23,628 You wanna keep her alive now. 123 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,593 So I didn't really fail, did I? 124 00:08:25,763 --> 00:08:28,790 - Did I? ZARK: It was a small thing at the time. 125 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,163 A Sopwith triplane. 126 00:08:31,336 --> 00:08:32,770 A Spad XIII. 127 00:08:33,872 --> 00:08:38,503 But it did teach me that there are two kinds of people in this world, Spinard. 128 00:08:39,043 --> 00:08:43,538 Fifteen years of slavishly loyal service to Thrush, sir. 129 00:08:43,715 --> 00:08:47,618 Yes, two kinds of people: 130 00:08:47,785 --> 00:08:51,847 Those with bubblegum cards, and those without. 131 00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:59,123 You notice I deal in allegory and subtle distinction, Spinard. 132 00:08:59,931 --> 00:09:02,901 But my conclusions are obvious. 133 00:09:12,210 --> 00:09:15,408 There's a mess in here I'd like cleaned up. 134 00:09:15,580 --> 00:09:20,245 And, uh, call Ms. Merle, tell her I'm on my way over. 135 00:09:25,790 --> 00:09:27,952 Ha, ha. That's right. 136 00:09:28,126 --> 00:09:31,119 That's right, my review will be printed Wednesday. 137 00:09:31,296 --> 00:09:36,098 I'm sure, darling, that by Thursday, that author will be back to selling neckties. 138 00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:38,827 Ha, ha. Bye. 139 00:09:42,507 --> 00:09:44,840 Have Mr. Zark come in. 140 00:09:53,451 --> 00:09:54,851 Hello there. 141 00:09:55,019 --> 00:09:58,148 Good afternoon, they told me you were coming. 142 00:09:58,923 --> 00:10:01,256 You, um, usually work in bed? 143 00:10:03,194 --> 00:10:05,857 Only in the daytime. 144 00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:13,963 Into whose unsuspecting back are you plunging your little stiletto this time? 145 00:10:14,138 --> 00:10:18,473 Ha, ha. Some inconsequential little man, who fancies himself a poet. 146 00:10:18,643 --> 00:10:21,841 He's not worth mentioning really. 147 00:10:25,216 --> 00:10:28,675 Tell me, are you enjoying your first day as a Thrush employee? 148 00:10:28,853 --> 00:10:32,187 - It's not much of a change. - Oh? 149 00:10:32,357 --> 00:10:38,297 Ellipsis Zark, 14 years, top agent of Thrush. 150 00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:42,559 Holder of three medals for meritorious service. 151 00:10:43,001 --> 00:10:45,971 Judith Merle, world-famous critic. 152 00:10:46,137 --> 00:10:51,838 Literateur, book reviewer, confidante of authors. 153 00:10:53,011 --> 00:10:55,105 We employ different means... 154 00:10:55,280 --> 00:11:00,241 but we're both equally skilled as assassins. 155 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:06,254 - You ready for your first assignment? - Oh, ready and eager. 156 00:11:06,424 --> 00:11:07,722 Excellent, madam. 157 00:11:08,893 --> 00:11:13,763 I want you to arrange a literary cocktail party for Jacqueline Midcult. 158 00:11:14,732 --> 00:11:16,223 Hm. 159 00:11:17,268 --> 00:11:20,568 The U.N.C.L.E. agents have her now. How do you know they'll let her come? 160 00:11:20,738 --> 00:11:22,673 Oh, they won't be able to stop her. 161 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,672 There's no more vain creature in the world... 162 00:11:24,842 --> 00:11:27,437 than one with its name on the cover of a cheap book. 163 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:40,254 Now, once more. Uh, you have no recollection of the town at all? 164 00:11:40,425 --> 00:11:41,230 Wilmo, Illinois? 165 00:11:41,254 --> 00:11:43,418 No, no, no, I mean the real-life counterpart. 166 00:11:43,594 --> 00:11:45,085 Oh. 167 00:11:45,263 --> 00:11:48,233 All right, let's try a different tactic. 168 00:11:48,399 --> 00:11:50,425 You have no recollection of your parents either? 169 00:11:52,737 --> 00:11:56,367 - No other relatives? - I'm sorry. 170 00:11:57,742 --> 00:11:59,540 Uh... 171 00:12:00,578 --> 00:12:02,479 - What about...? - Mr. Solo? 172 00:12:02,647 --> 00:12:05,014 - Napoleon. - Napoleon. 173 00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,482 Uh, how long are you gonna keep me cooped up in here? 174 00:12:07,652 --> 00:12:10,417 - Well, Miss Midcult, you see... - Jacqueline. 175 00:12:10,588 --> 00:12:12,079 - Jacqueline. - Jacqueline, okay. 176 00:12:12,256 --> 00:12:13,856 It's for your own protection, you see... 177 00:12:15,226 --> 00:12:16,226 Come in. 178 00:12:17,895 --> 00:12:19,659 Good morning. 179 00:12:19,831 --> 00:12:23,165 - A letter for you at the desk. - Oh, for me? 180 00:12:23,334 --> 00:12:25,860 - Anything? - I just spoke with headquarters. 181 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:28,277 Intelligence has pinpointed Miss Midcult's whereabouts... 182 00:12:28,439 --> 00:12:30,067 ever since she came out of college. 183 00:12:30,241 --> 00:12:31,766 Hm. Well, that's promising. 184 00:12:31,943 --> 00:12:36,176 Except for a five-month period last year, when she posted the manuscript. 185 00:12:36,347 --> 00:12:39,511 Well, doesn't the publisher have any idea where she posted it from? 186 00:12:40,418 --> 00:12:44,253 Well, one of the mail clerks seem to think it had an Ohio postmark. 187 00:12:44,422 --> 00:12:46,618 Oh, I... SOLO: What is it? 188 00:12:46,791 --> 00:12:49,761 I'm invited to a literary cocktail party. What am I gonna wear? 189 00:12:49,927 --> 00:12:52,647 I've never been invited to a literary cocktail party and it's for me. 190 00:12:52,797 --> 00:12:54,993 Uh, Jacqueline, I'm afraid you can't go to this. 191 00:12:55,166 --> 00:12:56,293 Why not? 192 00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:58,936 - Napoleon, could I have a word with you? - Okay. 193 00:12:59,103 --> 00:13:00,503 Wait a minute. 194 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,467 I think we should let her go. It might awaken old memories. 195 00:13:05,643 --> 00:13:09,273 No, it's too dangerous. You can bet that if she goes, Thrush will be there. 196 00:13:09,447 --> 00:13:10,813 That might help us. 197 00:13:10,982 --> 00:13:15,010 They're bound to be further on in their pursuit of the diaries than we are. 198 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,956 Jacqueline, you can go to the cocktail party on one condition. 199 00:13:21,125 --> 00:13:22,125 What's that? 200 00:13:22,293 --> 00:13:25,855 That you have two escorts. 201 00:13:35,506 --> 00:13:38,340 Well, I heard she was a schoolteacher in Indianapolis. 202 00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:45,061 So I said to him, I said: 203 00:13:45,216 --> 00:13:46,816 "What do you mean that serious problem... 204 00:13:46,984 --> 00:13:49,317 about the death of a carrier pigeon wouldn't sell?" 205 00:14:15,947 --> 00:14:18,212 I'm so pleased you came early. 206 00:14:18,382 --> 00:14:22,376 Most novelists like to assert their individuality by coming late. 207 00:14:22,553 --> 00:14:25,546 I'm Napoleon Solo, I'm Ms. Midcult's new literary agent. 208 00:14:25,723 --> 00:14:29,251 - And this is my associate, Mr. Kuryakin. - Judith Merle. 209 00:14:29,427 --> 00:14:34,593 Judith, yes, I've read your reviews. Very incisive. 210 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:42,638 A synonym for incisive is nasty, but thank you, in any case, Mr. Solo. 211 00:14:43,474 --> 00:14:46,410 Jacqueline, don't you remember me? 212 00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:52,116 Judith? I gave you that rave review in the Morning Standard? 213 00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:56,883 Uh, Ms. Merle... 214 00:14:57,688 --> 00:15:02,058 Ms. Midcult has partial amnesia due to the unpleasantness of the Joe White show. 215 00:15:02,226 --> 00:15:05,594 It's not permanent, but, uh, you understand. 216 00:15:07,598 --> 00:15:11,558 Oh, what a terrible thing. I'm dreadfully sorry. 217 00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:13,170 Oh, thank you. 218 00:15:14,272 --> 00:15:17,606 Poor darling, why don't you all go in and mingle? 219 00:15:17,775 --> 00:15:20,074 I'll join you in a moment. 220 00:15:40,331 --> 00:15:42,960 U.N.C.L.E. agents, probably two of them. 221 00:15:43,134 --> 00:15:47,367 We'll have to get her away from them. But she mustn't be hurt. 222 00:15:47,538 --> 00:15:49,404 Can I have a drink? 223 00:15:50,374 --> 00:15:54,436 You can have a rap in the mouth if you don't shape up. 224 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:02,876 Darling, you simply must come and meet Rahj Singh... 225 00:16:03,054 --> 00:16:06,047 the psychedelic poet. 226 00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:08,924 Basically, I think Camus is a fraud. 227 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:10,857 Now I'll tell you why I think he's a fraud. 228 00:16:20,538 --> 00:16:22,769 His problem was he liked to lecture people. 229 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:25,671 There's one thing you can't do, you can't lecture people. 230 00:16:25,843 --> 00:16:27,607 I'll tell you why you can't lecture people... 231 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:31,146 because when you do, you assert your will on theirs... 232 00:16:45,763 --> 00:16:48,062 I've got a gun in your back. 233 00:16:48,232 --> 00:16:50,667 Has he got a gun in my back? 234 00:16:51,669 --> 00:16:55,106 - He has a gun in your back. - Out. 235 00:17:01,879 --> 00:17:02,938 Ow! 236 00:17:05,549 --> 00:17:08,849 Get her to the car. Use the service elevator. 237 00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:11,114 Take her to Zark. 238 00:17:18,062 --> 00:17:22,397 Ms. Merle said to get rid of you. I'll show her I ain't an idiot. 239 00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:46,682 Gee, you'll like it down there. Dark. 240 00:17:53,297 --> 00:17:55,892 Maybe today, or maybe tomorrow... 241 00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:59,936 comes down about 10 tons of nice, black coal. 242 00:18:00,104 --> 00:18:02,073 Bye-bye. 243 00:18:14,452 --> 00:18:19,390 Oh, this ludicrous pretext of amnesia simply won't work, Ms. Midcult. 244 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:22,994 We here at Thrush find it offensive when our intelligence is insulted. 245 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,160 But it's true. 246 00:18:24,328 --> 00:18:28,857 And I suppose Solo and Kuryakin really were your literary agents? 247 00:18:29,033 --> 00:18:30,524 Huh? 248 00:18:32,470 --> 00:18:34,496 Has Obelisk reported in yet? 249 00:18:34,672 --> 00:18:39,804 The U.N.C.L.E. men had been put out of the way permanently. 250 00:18:41,178 --> 00:18:43,147 So you see, Ms. Midcult... 251 00:18:43,314 --> 00:18:46,910 obfuscation and dissembling will avail you little. 252 00:18:51,522 --> 00:18:53,923 All right, get me the hypo. 253 00:18:56,994 --> 00:18:59,361 Well, we're not dead yet. 254 00:19:00,297 --> 00:19:04,064 I'm overcome with awe at your grasp of the situation. 255 00:19:04,235 --> 00:19:09,264 We could be dead though, very soon, if they drop that load of coal. 256 00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:12,039 How did you get your gag off? 257 00:19:19,350 --> 00:19:24,254 It's extraordinary how complicated even the most simple situations become. 258 00:19:24,588 --> 00:19:26,682 I think it would be advisable to get out of here... 259 00:19:26,857 --> 00:19:29,190 before they drop that load of coal on us. 260 00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:32,956 What's the rush? It's the first... First solitude I've had in weeks. 261 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,723 Well, the rush is that... 262 00:19:34,899 --> 00:19:39,337 I think if 10 tons of coal comes down on us, it's gonna muss up my hair a little. 263 00:19:39,503 --> 00:19:41,335 It's unlikely. 264 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:44,837 All right, I'll go along with your little game. Why is it unlikely? 265 00:19:45,009 --> 00:19:49,037 Well, if you listen carefully, you'll hear the sounds of an oil furnace. 266 00:19:49,213 --> 00:19:51,773 This place doesn't use coal anymore. 267 00:20:15,105 --> 00:20:17,870 Well, if it is amnesia, we have to break the block. 268 00:20:18,776 --> 00:20:22,144 We have to probe deeply into her unconscious. 269 00:20:22,313 --> 00:20:25,044 We have to plumb her libido, draw out her id. 270 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:32,315 Jacqueline. 271 00:20:32,489 --> 00:20:35,618 Yes? 272 00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:39,453 Now you repeat after me. 273 00:20:39,763 --> 00:20:44,258 I will tell the nice Mr. Ellipsis Zark everything. 274 00:20:44,835 --> 00:20:47,566 Now, repeat after me. 275 00:20:47,738 --> 00:20:51,800 I will tell the nice Mr... 276 00:20:52,776 --> 00:20:57,976 - Ellipsis. JACQUELINE: Ellipsis Zark everything. 277 00:20:58,148 --> 00:20:59,446 Good. JACQUELINE: Good. 278 00:20:59,617 --> 00:21:02,553 Now only speak when you're spoken to. 279 00:21:03,988 --> 00:21:05,513 Tell me, Jacqueline. 280 00:21:05,689 --> 00:21:09,524 Did you write a novel called Pieces of Fate? 281 00:21:09,693 --> 00:21:11,093 - No. - No? 282 00:21:11,262 --> 00:21:13,458 Oh, but you wanna know something? 283 00:21:13,631 --> 00:21:18,194 I wrote... I wrote a story about a day at the zoo. 284 00:21:18,369 --> 00:21:20,929 And I colored it with my crayons. 285 00:21:21,105 --> 00:21:24,405 In pink and blue. 286 00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:27,840 Now, um, tell me your name. 287 00:21:30,681 --> 00:21:36,018 Jacqueline Susie-Q Midcult, and I'm 7 years old. 288 00:21:36,186 --> 00:21:40,317 - Good heavens, we've gone too far. - She thinks she's a child. 289 00:21:40,491 --> 00:21:44,724 She is a child. Personality regression. 290 00:21:45,396 --> 00:21:47,228 I'm 7 years old. And you know what? 291 00:21:47,398 --> 00:21:51,335 Next summer, I get to go visit with my Uncle Charlie. 292 00:21:51,502 --> 00:21:56,702 And my Auntie Jessica in a big old house... 293 00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:01,504 in Mainsville, Ohio. 294 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,749 Ohio. She has relatives in Mainsville, Ohio. 295 00:22:06,917 --> 00:22:09,409 And the manuscript came from Ohio. 296 00:22:09,586 --> 00:22:11,214 Then the diaries might be there. 297 00:22:11,388 --> 00:22:14,290 And when the drugs wear off, she'll take us right to them. 298 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:17,292 Now, hopefully she'll remember. 299 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,954 Then we'll tear the town apart. 300 00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:24,568 This little old piggy went, "wee, wee, wee" all the way home. 301 00:22:24,735 --> 00:22:27,227 It was very clever of you to bug her earring. 302 00:22:27,404 --> 00:22:28,838 It may save our jobs. 303 00:22:29,006 --> 00:22:32,465 Mr. Waverly isn't going to be happy about our losing her in the first place. 304 00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:35,238 - Well, I won't tell if you don't tell. - Yeah. 305 00:22:35,412 --> 00:22:37,938 Well, let's just save her, comedian. 306 00:22:38,115 --> 00:22:41,711 Humor is the gadfly on the corpse of tragedy. 307 00:22:41,986 --> 00:22:45,582 - Pushkin? - My grandmother. 308 00:22:51,895 --> 00:22:53,955 Beeps are getting closer. 309 00:22:54,131 --> 00:22:56,100 They're bringing her this way. 310 00:23:01,472 --> 00:23:02,496 Here they come. 311 00:24:51,181 --> 00:24:53,946 - Are you all right? - Where's Mommy? 312 00:24:54,118 --> 00:24:59,819 I want my mommy. Mama, I want Mama. 313 00:25:00,791 --> 00:25:02,831 - I don't wanna take a pill. - Come on now, take it. 314 00:25:02,926 --> 00:25:04,046 - No, no. - Come on, take it. 315 00:25:04,128 --> 00:25:05,892 You take it, and then you can have this. 316 00:25:09,433 --> 00:25:11,993 Promise? SOLO: Scout's honor. 317 00:25:15,439 --> 00:25:17,431 Do you think it'll work, sir? 318 00:25:17,608 --> 00:25:20,407 Our medical people assure me it will. 319 00:25:20,844 --> 00:25:23,245 We can't say when her memory will return. 320 00:25:23,413 --> 00:25:26,383 But she won't be a 7-year-old much longer. 321 00:25:27,284 --> 00:25:28,912 Oh, thank you. 322 00:25:29,553 --> 00:25:31,522 - Here are your tickets for Ohio. - No! 323 00:25:32,556 --> 00:25:35,048 And gentlemen, please don't lose her this time. 324 00:25:35,225 --> 00:25:37,694 We'll do our best, sir. 325 00:25:38,729 --> 00:25:42,689 But I don't want to go to Ohio. People keep tying me up. 326 00:25:42,866 --> 00:25:44,767 Well, nobody's gonna tie you up, sweetheart. 327 00:25:46,436 --> 00:25:49,497 We're gonna see your Uncle Charlie and your Aunt Jessie. 328 00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:52,734 - In Mainsville? - In Mainsville. 329 00:25:52,910 --> 00:25:56,642 Oh! I wanna go now. Come on, come on, I wanna go now. 330 00:25:56,813 --> 00:26:00,173 If she doesn't come back from being a 7-year-old, we'll never find the diaries. 331 00:26:00,317 --> 00:26:01,557 Look on the bright side. 332 00:26:01,718 --> 00:26:04,244 With a mentality like that, she could really write a bestseller. 333 00:26:23,907 --> 00:26:24,907 Where am I? 334 00:26:25,742 --> 00:26:30,203 Don't you remember? You're on a train nearing Mainsville, Ohio. 335 00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:32,815 Mainsville, Ohio? 336 00:26:32,983 --> 00:26:35,851 Oh, I remember you. You're the two U.N.C.L.E. agents. 337 00:26:36,019 --> 00:26:38,488 You're Napoleon and you're Mr. Kuryakin. 338 00:26:38,655 --> 00:26:41,250 Do you remember Mainsville? 339 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:46,419 Mm. Dimly. 340 00:26:46,964 --> 00:26:48,164 That's where I wrote the book. 341 00:26:49,099 --> 00:26:53,036 Right. With the aid of certain diaries. 342 00:26:53,203 --> 00:26:55,638 Do you remember where those diaries are? 343 00:26:55,806 --> 00:26:57,172 Mm. 344 00:26:57,341 --> 00:26:59,936 Come on, now. Try, think hard. 345 00:27:03,146 --> 00:27:04,146 It's no use. 346 00:27:06,783 --> 00:27:10,345 Do you remember your Uncle Charlie and Aunt Jessie? 347 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,614 My Uncle Charlie and Aunt Jessie? 348 00:27:12,789 --> 00:27:15,315 - That's right. - No. 349 00:27:19,329 --> 00:27:21,298 Well, she's not 7 years old anymore. 350 00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:27,097 - We're right back where we started. - Well, a little more than that. 351 00:27:27,271 --> 00:27:29,706 She does remember Mainsville. 352 00:27:30,807 --> 00:27:35,677 I have a hunch it'll come back fast now. 353 00:28:03,874 --> 00:28:06,742 We would like to leave this somewhere till we get settled. 354 00:28:06,910 --> 00:28:08,742 Oh, you bet you. 355 00:28:09,479 --> 00:28:12,415 Nice little town you got here. - Mm-hm. 356 00:28:12,582 --> 00:28:15,622 Tell you, we're looking for a fellow named Charlie and his wife Jessie. 357 00:28:15,786 --> 00:28:17,914 - Does that ring any bells with you? - Nope. 358 00:28:18,088 --> 00:28:19,852 - But I'm new around here. - Oh. 359 00:28:20,023 --> 00:28:22,686 Just moved in from Cincinnati. - Oh, yeah. 360 00:28:22,859 --> 00:28:24,953 There's no Midcult listed. 361 00:28:25,128 --> 00:28:27,063 Must be an uncle on your mother's side. 362 00:28:27,230 --> 00:28:29,062 - The bookstore. - I beg your pardon? 363 00:28:29,232 --> 00:28:30,393 I remember the bookstore. 364 00:28:30,567 --> 00:28:32,399 Don't ask me why, but the name's Buck's. 365 00:28:32,569 --> 00:28:34,094 - Buck's. - Buck's? 366 00:28:34,271 --> 00:28:37,503 Oh, Buck's. Yeah, that's right across the town square. I know that much. 367 00:28:37,674 --> 00:28:39,514 All right, good, good. Let's try it, thank you. 368 00:28:39,676 --> 00:28:41,338 Oh, your stubs. Here are your stubs. 369 00:28:41,511 --> 00:28:43,036 Thank you. 370 00:28:49,119 --> 00:28:51,384 Where did you come from? 371 00:28:58,061 --> 00:29:02,465 They're on their way to the bookstore. You know what to do? 372 00:29:13,877 --> 00:29:15,117 It's really creepy. 373 00:29:15,245 --> 00:29:19,740 I remember Mainsville, or some of it. And I know I wrote the book here. 374 00:29:20,450 --> 00:29:23,147 But it's like I'm seeing it all through a fog. 375 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,118 I just can't remember everything. 376 00:29:25,288 --> 00:29:27,728 Well, after that crack on the head and what Zark did to you... 377 00:29:27,891 --> 00:29:29,371 it's lucky you have a mind at all. 378 00:29:29,526 --> 00:29:31,961 Um, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to prowl around a bit. 379 00:29:32,129 --> 00:29:33,129 Where are you going? 380 00:29:33,296 --> 00:29:35,822 If Thrush knows about this place, they're here. 381 00:29:35,999 --> 00:29:38,199 I'll see if I can divert some of the attention from you. 382 00:29:38,368 --> 00:29:41,065 Oh, you plenty smart guy. 383 00:29:42,706 --> 00:29:44,902 He's nice. 384 00:29:45,308 --> 00:29:47,038 - Oh, he's all right. - Ha, ha. 385 00:30:00,390 --> 00:30:03,189 Oh, Miss Midcult. Oh, ho, ho. 386 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,489 Welcome to my shop, welcome to Mainsville. 387 00:30:06,663 --> 00:30:08,598 Now you have a very nice place here, Mr. Buck. 388 00:30:08,765 --> 00:30:13,362 - Oh, thank you, Mr...? - Solo. I'm Miss Midcult's literary agent. 389 00:30:13,537 --> 00:30:18,475 Oh, Mr. Solo, you are a fortunate man indeed... 390 00:30:18,642 --> 00:30:21,202 to work with this delightful young lady... 391 00:30:21,378 --> 00:30:26,442 whose book has become the scintillance of tomorrow's wonder. 392 00:30:26,616 --> 00:30:27,879 The what? Oh, the scin... 393 00:30:28,051 --> 00:30:29,110 Oh, of course, yes. 394 00:30:29,286 --> 00:30:31,414 Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Buck. 395 00:30:31,588 --> 00:30:35,457 Do you know that we have sold 16 copies here in Mainsville? 396 00:30:35,625 --> 00:30:38,151 - Right here in this store. - Mm. Remarkable. 397 00:30:38,328 --> 00:30:41,298 Yes, it is, Mr. Solo. Veritably. 398 00:30:41,465 --> 00:30:43,764 Would you like some jasmine tea? 399 00:30:43,934 --> 00:30:46,927 Uh, I'd love some, Mr. Buck. I'd just love some. 400 00:30:47,103 --> 00:30:49,197 Please, do call me Oedipus. 401 00:30:49,372 --> 00:30:51,273 - Please sit down. - Oedipus. Ha. 402 00:30:56,446 --> 00:30:59,883 - Bring anything back? - I remember the store. 403 00:31:00,050 --> 00:31:02,781 I think I spent a lot of time writing the book here. 404 00:31:02,953 --> 00:31:06,412 - And Buck? - Oh, I think he's cute. 405 00:31:06,590 --> 00:31:08,786 That's lovely, but you think we can trust him? 406 00:31:08,959 --> 00:31:13,124 - We're going to need an ally. - Oh, I think so, he's a little bird. 407 00:31:14,831 --> 00:31:17,266 Mr., uh... Mr. Buck... 408 00:31:17,434 --> 00:31:22,304 can we trust you with some privileged information? 409 00:31:22,639 --> 00:31:24,835 - Trust? - Mm-hm. 410 00:31:25,775 --> 00:31:28,643 I am the silence that infests the grave. 411 00:31:29,613 --> 00:31:34,278 I am the hush to be found at the bottom of the Cayman Trench. 412 00:31:34,451 --> 00:31:38,252 I am the sealed lippedness of the eternal... 413 00:31:38,421 --> 00:31:39,582 Right. Got it. 414 00:31:39,756 --> 00:31:40,815 Now here's the problem. 415 00:31:40,991 --> 00:31:43,551 There are some diaries that Jacqueline used for notes... 416 00:31:43,727 --> 00:31:45,167 when she was working on her book. 417 00:31:45,328 --> 00:31:48,355 There were 10 of them in brown leather bindings. 418 00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:50,694 Hey, I remembered. 419 00:31:51,167 --> 00:31:53,295 Now, these diaries are vastly important. 420 00:31:53,470 --> 00:31:55,962 You see, there's a plagiarism suit pending in New York. 421 00:31:56,139 --> 00:31:57,698 And we need to use them as evidence. 422 00:31:57,874 --> 00:32:03,871 Yes, even the dullest eye could perceive to ascertain their necessity. 423 00:32:04,047 --> 00:32:05,413 Why don't you get them? 424 00:32:06,349 --> 00:32:09,342 Uh... I misplaced them. 425 00:32:11,254 --> 00:32:13,485 Well, I don't know where they are. 426 00:32:13,657 --> 00:32:17,424 We know that, Mr. Buck. We were hoping that you could help us find them. 427 00:32:17,594 --> 00:32:21,395 Well, did you ask Miss Midcult's uncle and aunt at the house? 428 00:32:21,565 --> 00:32:23,591 Well, as you may have guessed... 429 00:32:23,767 --> 00:32:26,828 uh, Ms. Midcult has suffered a partial loss of memory. 430 00:32:27,003 --> 00:32:30,838 I don't even remember my own relative's address. 431 00:32:31,007 --> 00:32:32,373 Charlie and Jessie? 432 00:32:33,810 --> 00:32:36,746 Oh, my poor child. 433 00:32:38,248 --> 00:32:43,653 Well, they live at 312 Pine Street. 434 00:32:43,820 --> 00:32:45,846 312 Pine. Thank you. 435 00:32:46,022 --> 00:32:48,862 - But you haven't touched your tea. - Perhaps some other time, Mr. Buck. 436 00:32:48,992 --> 00:32:50,912 - Thank you very much. - Oh, pleased, to be sure. 437 00:32:51,027 --> 00:32:55,931 Come back, I'm so looking forward to seeing all of you again. 438 00:33:10,246 --> 00:33:11,771 Looking for something? 439 00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:15,510 If you'll raise your hands, Mr. Kuryakin. 440 00:33:19,322 --> 00:33:20,756 Aah! 441 00:33:22,492 --> 00:33:24,757 I'd have killed him if you hadn't interfered. 442 00:33:24,928 --> 00:33:26,556 They would have heard the shot. 443 00:33:26,730 --> 00:33:30,098 Excuse me, Ms. Merle, but I think it's better to keep him alive. 444 00:33:30,266 --> 00:33:33,100 If his partner should learn too much, we have a hostage. 445 00:33:34,204 --> 00:33:35,968 You may be right. 446 00:33:36,373 --> 00:33:40,504 I'll hide him away. My car's right around the corner. 447 00:33:40,677 --> 00:33:42,976 But I haven't seen you before. 448 00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:46,981 I just came in this morning. I'm with reserve unit X-14. 449 00:33:48,184 --> 00:33:51,643 Very good. Remind me to put in a word with your unit commander. 450 00:33:51,821 --> 00:33:53,517 Thank you. 451 00:34:10,173 --> 00:34:12,972 - Wuthering Heights. - Hey, I remember. 452 00:34:13,143 --> 00:34:15,476 That's where I wrote my book. 453 00:34:15,645 --> 00:34:19,548 And I remember Uncle Charlie and Aunt Jessie. 454 00:34:20,216 --> 00:34:22,708 Ah, go on. 455 00:34:22,886 --> 00:34:26,118 Oh, it's really coming back fast now. 456 00:34:28,491 --> 00:34:31,859 Last summer, I was pretty, uh... Pretty disillusioned. 457 00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:34,293 It was right after a whole flock of rejection slips. 458 00:34:34,464 --> 00:34:39,402 And I came back here to rest up and sort of take stock, you know? 459 00:34:41,538 --> 00:34:45,942 It was the first time I'd come back here to visit my aunt and uncle... 460 00:34:46,109 --> 00:34:48,442 since I've been 7 years old. 461 00:34:48,611 --> 00:34:50,580 And I wasn't gonna write a word. 462 00:34:50,747 --> 00:34:52,215 And then I found those diaries. 463 00:34:52,382 --> 00:34:54,578 You found them here? 464 00:34:54,751 --> 00:34:56,379 Yeah, they were in a big trunk. 465 00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:59,785 Uncle Charlie said he bought them from the railroad. 466 00:34:59,956 --> 00:35:04,052 At one of those unclaimed baggage, luggage sales or something. 467 00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:06,196 Jackie. 468 00:35:14,237 --> 00:35:16,672 Uncle Charlie. - Hey. 469 00:35:17,373 --> 00:35:19,365 - Jackie. - Oh, Uncle Charlie. 470 00:35:19,542 --> 00:35:21,807 It's so good to be here. And it's so good to see you. 471 00:35:21,978 --> 00:35:24,209 You still smell like that old nasty pipe tobacco. 472 00:35:25,715 --> 00:35:28,549 You just passing by, or are you gonna stay for a spell? 473 00:35:28,718 --> 00:35:30,949 Oh, we'd like to stay around for a spell, if it's okay? 474 00:35:31,121 --> 00:35:33,124 Okay, I'll fix up a room for you right now. 475 00:35:33,148 --> 00:35:34,319 Oh, where's Aunt Jessie? 476 00:35:34,491 --> 00:35:37,393 Oh, uh, she's fine, she's not here now. 477 00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:41,346 She... She had to go to a funeral in Akron. 478 00:35:41,370 --> 00:35:41,793 Oh. 479 00:35:41,965 --> 00:35:45,959 Oh, uh, Uncle Charlie this is Napoleon Solo. 480 00:35:46,136 --> 00:35:47,627 A very, very, dear friend of mine. 481 00:35:47,804 --> 00:35:51,104 Uh, he's with my, uh, publisher. 482 00:35:51,274 --> 00:35:54,904 And he's gonna stay with me during the promotional campaign. 483 00:35:55,078 --> 00:35:56,718 - Glad to have you around, Mr. Solo. - Hi. 484 00:35:56,813 --> 00:35:58,645 It's nice to have some news from the big city. 485 00:35:59,849 --> 00:36:03,286 You've got a friendly town here, and a lovely home. 486 00:36:03,586 --> 00:36:08,320 It ain't much but we call it our, uh, blue heaven. 487 00:36:08,491 --> 00:36:10,722 Heaven, Mr. Solo. 488 00:36:11,394 --> 00:36:14,558 Or possibly hell. 489 00:36:25,875 --> 00:36:27,844 Open Channel D. Scramble, please. 490 00:36:28,011 --> 00:36:31,175 Channel D, open and scrambled. Go ahead, Napoleon. 491 00:36:31,347 --> 00:36:33,009 Have you heard from Illya? 492 00:36:33,183 --> 00:36:36,779 Not since your last regular check-in. Has something happened? 493 00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:39,853 No, uh, maybe not. I'm not sure yet. 494 00:36:40,023 --> 00:36:41,286 Put me through to Mr. Waverly. 495 00:36:41,457 --> 00:36:43,449 I can't, he isn't here. 496 00:36:43,626 --> 00:36:47,324 He hasn't been for the last two days. Some special assignment. 497 00:36:47,797 --> 00:36:51,564 - Is it important? - No, forget it, Channel D out. 498 00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:55,400 Mr. Solo, soup's on. - Thank you. 499 00:36:55,572 --> 00:36:57,200 Be right down. 500 00:36:58,541 --> 00:37:00,066 Nice young fellow, Jackie. 501 00:37:02,078 --> 00:37:06,038 - Got any cuddling ideas about him? - Oh, Uncle Charlie. 502 00:37:06,216 --> 00:37:11,484 Well, now, sweetheart, you're more than old enough to have a husband. 503 00:37:13,323 --> 00:37:16,760 Yes, sir, I gotta have a talk with that Mr. Solo... 504 00:37:16,926 --> 00:37:19,395 about his intentions with you, young missy. 505 00:37:19,562 --> 00:37:22,657 - Good evening. - Good evening, Mr. Solo. 506 00:37:22,832 --> 00:37:26,564 I ain't as good a cook as my better half but I hope it ain't too bad. 507 00:37:26,736 --> 00:37:28,637 Oh, I'm sure it would be a gourmet's delight. 508 00:37:28,805 --> 00:37:32,242 Uh, tell me, Mr. Solo. You're in the publishing world. 509 00:37:32,408 --> 00:37:37,176 Have we really, honest-to-goodness got us a best-selling authoress on our hands here? 510 00:37:37,347 --> 00:37:41,614 Well, Jacqueline's book Pieces of Fate has gone into six editions in three months. 511 00:37:41,784 --> 00:37:44,344 Now, that's 250,000 copies in hardcover. 512 00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:46,421 I would say that we have a runaway winner. 513 00:37:46,589 --> 00:37:48,421 And I'm sure the sequel will be even better. 514 00:37:48,591 --> 00:37:49,615 Sequel? 515 00:37:49,792 --> 00:37:51,761 Hasn't Jacqueline told...? Of course not. 516 00:37:51,928 --> 00:37:54,762 How could she? We've been so busy getting reacquainted. 517 00:37:54,931 --> 00:37:57,059 Napoleon's just being kind, Uncle Charlie. 518 00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:58,997 You're gonna be starting it soon, Jackie? 519 00:37:59,168 --> 00:38:02,161 - Mm. As soon as I get some notes together. - Notes? 520 00:38:02,739 --> 00:38:04,731 I've got some notebooks filled with ideas... 521 00:38:04,908 --> 00:38:08,470 Jackie, let's not talk about it right now. Shall we...? 522 00:38:08,645 --> 00:38:14,607 Why don't you just sit, relax, and get a little taste of hospitality and home? 523 00:38:22,125 --> 00:38:24,560 Try to escape, young man. 524 00:38:42,345 --> 00:38:45,144 It's not supposed to be this easy. 525 00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:56,691 This is where I wrote the book. 526 00:38:57,060 --> 00:38:58,619 Is this where you kept the diaries? 527 00:39:01,064 --> 00:39:04,296 Yes, at first, but then I put them somewhere. 528 00:39:04,467 --> 00:39:06,834 Do you, uh, remember where? 529 00:39:08,438 --> 00:39:10,304 Oh, I'm sorry, Napoleon. 530 00:39:10,473 --> 00:39:13,102 I'm really sorry. 531 00:39:13,509 --> 00:39:16,843 But everything's coming back so quickly now, I'm sure I'll remember. 532 00:39:23,853 --> 00:39:26,345 - Solo here. - Uh, good evening, Napoleon. 533 00:39:26,522 --> 00:39:28,855 Did anything of consequence happen while I was gone? 534 00:39:29,025 --> 00:39:30,288 Where have you been? 535 00:39:30,460 --> 00:39:32,622 Well, it's a long story and an embarrassing one. 536 00:39:32,795 --> 00:39:34,991 Among the other things, I was, uh... 537 00:39:35,164 --> 00:39:37,099 overpowered by an old man with a cane. 538 00:39:37,266 --> 00:39:39,599 - An old man? - Yeah, with a cane. 539 00:39:40,269 --> 00:39:43,706 And when things like that happen I wonder if I'm not in the wrong business. 540 00:39:43,873 --> 00:39:44,932 Are you all right now? 541 00:39:45,108 --> 00:39:47,703 Yes, and eager to atone for my misadventures. 542 00:39:48,244 --> 00:39:51,646 Good, I'm at Uncle Charlie's place. That's 312 Pine. 543 00:39:51,814 --> 00:39:53,544 I suggest that you get right over here... 544 00:39:53,716 --> 00:39:56,811 and sneak in and help us try to find the diaries. 545 00:39:59,322 --> 00:40:00,551 All right. 546 00:40:00,723 --> 00:40:02,988 Now there's an intelligent way of going about this. 547 00:40:03,159 --> 00:40:05,253 There are only so many rooms in this house. 548 00:40:05,428 --> 00:40:06,555 That means that... 549 00:40:12,135 --> 00:40:14,195 - Did you forget something? - I beg your pardon. 550 00:40:14,370 --> 00:40:17,340 Oh, Wanda. I'm sorry. Uh, what's new? 551 00:40:17,507 --> 00:40:19,499 Well, we ran that make on Uncle Charlie. 552 00:40:20,476 --> 00:40:23,310 - What make? - The one you asked for. 553 00:40:23,479 --> 00:40:26,244 - I didn't ask for any make. - Well, somebody did. 554 00:40:26,849 --> 00:40:29,114 Anyway, here it is. 555 00:40:29,619 --> 00:40:32,248 Uh, full name, Charles Coltrane. 556 00:40:32,422 --> 00:40:34,948 He was a member of Thrush for 28 years. 557 00:40:35,124 --> 00:40:36,854 Supposedly killed three years ago. 558 00:40:37,026 --> 00:40:39,894 His dossier was in the closed file. 559 00:40:40,530 --> 00:40:42,192 You're certain the make is absolute? 560 00:40:42,365 --> 00:40:45,358 We ran it through two computers. No doubt at all. 561 00:40:46,369 --> 00:40:47,803 Thank you. 562 00:40:51,207 --> 00:40:52,675 Jackie? 563 00:40:54,911 --> 00:40:59,212 The diaries, they were your uncle's. 564 00:41:00,349 --> 00:41:02,511 He's with Thrush. 565 00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:38,683 Hi, Mr. Solo. Do you know anything about automobile engines? 566 00:41:38,855 --> 00:41:40,824 Yeah, a little. Uh... 567 00:41:40,990 --> 00:41:42,788 You know anything about Thrush? 568 00:41:43,826 --> 00:41:44,919 Uh... 569 00:41:45,428 --> 00:41:47,363 I don't know what you're talking about. 570 00:41:47,763 --> 00:41:50,460 Forget it, Charlie. I know all about you. 571 00:41:50,633 --> 00:41:55,037 I just thought you might want to fill me in on some of the details. 572 00:41:55,872 --> 00:41:57,397 All right. 573 00:41:58,141 --> 00:42:01,475 When I escaped from Thrush, I came back here. 574 00:42:02,778 --> 00:42:06,112 I lived here all along, you know. They never knew anything about it. 575 00:42:06,282 --> 00:42:08,649 - About your double life? - That's right. 576 00:42:08,818 --> 00:42:10,480 When did they find out? 577 00:42:10,653 --> 00:42:12,453 The other day, when they sent their people in. 578 00:42:12,622 --> 00:42:15,057 They would have killed me then, but I... 579 00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:17,926 I guess they wanted to keep everything normal to Jacqueline. 580 00:42:18,728 --> 00:42:21,425 You do put on a pretty good show for your niece. 581 00:42:21,597 --> 00:42:24,863 Uncle Charlie, small town bumpkin. 582 00:42:25,034 --> 00:42:28,835 So warm, lovable. Gemütlichkeit. 583 00:42:29,639 --> 00:42:31,835 I... I had to act like that. 584 00:42:32,008 --> 00:42:34,443 They're watching me. They've got the house bugged. 585 00:42:34,610 --> 00:42:37,671 - One wrong move on my part... - Goodbye, Charlie. 586 00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:40,749 It's not me I'm worried about, Mr. Solo. 587 00:42:41,884 --> 00:42:43,819 It's not me at all. 588 00:43:03,906 --> 00:43:05,602 Well, who are you? 589 00:43:06,475 --> 00:43:09,604 Jessie Coltrane. Who are you, boy? 590 00:43:09,779 --> 00:43:12,010 My name is Illya Kuryakin. I'm a friend of Jacqueline. 591 00:43:12,181 --> 00:43:15,345 Well, it's about time you legged it in here, boy. 592 00:43:16,152 --> 00:43:20,089 I've been trussed up in this basement for days. 593 00:43:20,256 --> 00:43:21,724 Who put you down here? 594 00:43:22,325 --> 00:43:24,954 That man, that woman. 595 00:43:25,127 --> 00:43:26,151 What man? 596 00:43:26,329 --> 00:43:28,798 The man with the hand. 597 00:43:31,133 --> 00:43:32,533 We better get upstairs, as quick... 598 00:43:33,836 --> 00:43:35,065 Shh. 599 00:43:35,238 --> 00:43:37,332 Don't make a noise. 600 00:44:30,493 --> 00:44:32,587 - Come in. - Napoleon, it's me. 601 00:44:32,762 --> 00:44:35,630 Napoleon, I remember everything. I remember where I left the diaries. 602 00:44:35,798 --> 00:44:37,824 Shh, shh, shh. 603 00:44:38,167 --> 00:44:40,659 They're in the attic, at least they were. 604 00:44:40,836 --> 00:44:42,702 All right, let's go. 605 00:45:16,205 --> 00:45:18,333 Where were you when I needed you? 606 00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:21,033 Come on, we have to get upstairs. 607 00:45:47,036 --> 00:45:49,904 Well, to coin a phrase, Mr. Zark, "We meet again." 608 00:45:50,072 --> 00:45:52,200 It's been too long, Mr. Solo. 609 00:45:52,375 --> 00:45:57,006 - Not since that affair in Tannu-Tuva, huh? - Right. 610 00:45:57,179 --> 00:45:58,272 Stop it, Mr. Solo. 611 00:45:58,447 --> 00:46:01,383 Desist this very instant. 612 00:46:02,184 --> 00:46:06,815 You've, uh... You've met Mr. Buck, I assume. 613 00:46:09,525 --> 00:46:12,359 Well, Mr. Solo, I'm afraid you're checked. 614 00:46:13,162 --> 00:46:15,393 He's unchecked now, Mr. Zark. 615 00:46:17,199 --> 00:46:20,465 - Aunt Jessie. - Oh, Jacqueline, my child. 616 00:46:20,636 --> 00:46:24,573 Thank heaven you're all right. 617 00:46:25,007 --> 00:46:27,499 It's about time you got here, what took you so long? 618 00:46:28,644 --> 00:46:31,580 One of these days, I'm going to leave you on your own. 619 00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:33,511 Just to see how you manage. 620 00:46:33,682 --> 00:46:36,174 Well, into each life, a little rain must fall. 621 00:46:38,921 --> 00:46:40,446 Yes, Mr. Solo. 622 00:46:40,623 --> 00:46:43,525 But are you prepared for a deluge? 623 00:46:43,692 --> 00:46:45,251 I'm sorry, Miss Merle. 624 00:46:45,428 --> 00:46:48,660 I've always enjoyed your book reviews. 625 00:46:57,807 --> 00:47:01,437 We're very grateful, sir. But, uh, what are you doing here? 626 00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:05,103 I gave myself a special assignment, Mr. Solo. 627 00:47:05,281 --> 00:47:09,343 I couldn't run the risk of another mistake, like losing Miss Midcult the first time. 628 00:47:09,518 --> 00:47:12,420 But how did you get into our infiltration group? 629 00:47:13,722 --> 00:47:17,250 I, uh, infiltrated. 630 00:47:18,794 --> 00:47:20,228 Where are the diaries? 631 00:47:20,396 --> 00:47:21,396 Diaries? 632 00:47:21,564 --> 00:47:23,931 Yes, Aunt Jessie, the diaries Uncle Charlie wrote. 633 00:47:24,099 --> 00:47:26,034 - There were 10 of them. - That filth? 634 00:47:26,202 --> 00:47:30,071 I found them up here. Weren't fit to be in a decent home. 635 00:47:30,239 --> 00:47:31,537 Where are they? 636 00:47:31,707 --> 00:47:33,608 I burned them. 637 00:47:45,488 --> 00:47:47,889 Aunt Jessie says she's forgiven him for everything. 638 00:47:48,057 --> 00:47:49,057 Oh, yes, thank you. 639 00:47:49,225 --> 00:47:52,093 And they really like living in Florida. 640 00:47:52,394 --> 00:47:55,091 Well, uh, in view of Thrush's continuing interest in Charlie... 641 00:47:55,264 --> 00:47:57,358 I trust they're living under assumed names. 642 00:47:57,533 --> 00:48:01,834 Oh, yes. They won't even allow me to tell you what they are. 643 00:48:02,137 --> 00:48:06,006 I hate to interrupt this happy scene, but I wish to register a complaint. 644 00:48:06,175 --> 00:48:10,010 Was it necessary for you to hit me quite so hard with your cane? 645 00:48:10,679 --> 00:48:13,672 Oh, yes. I'm sorry about that, Mr. Kuryakin. 646 00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:18,514 But, uh, well, I did have to gain their confidence, didn't I? 647 00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:20,588 Of course, but I still have the lump. 648 00:48:20,756 --> 00:48:24,557 And on balance, I think things have turned out very well. 649 00:48:25,060 --> 00:48:27,325 With our new method of atomic adhesion... 650 00:48:27,496 --> 00:48:30,955 we can restore the ashes of the diaries. 651 00:48:31,133 --> 00:48:33,534 May take us a couple of months in all but we can do it. 652 00:48:33,702 --> 00:48:35,967 Word has already gotten out on that, sir, and Thrush... 653 00:48:36,138 --> 00:48:39,506 has cancelled all operations referred to in the book. 654 00:48:39,675 --> 00:48:41,303 Oh, speaking of books, Miss Midcult. 655 00:48:43,546 --> 00:48:48,849 I hope your experiences of the last few days haven't dampened your literary zeal. 656 00:48:49,018 --> 00:48:51,647 Oh, no, I've already started a new book. 657 00:48:51,820 --> 00:48:53,220 It's gonna be another bestseller. 658 00:48:53,989 --> 00:48:55,981 - Is it? - Uh-huh. 659 00:48:56,158 --> 00:48:59,788 It's about a schoolteacher who finds a set of diaries. 660 00:48:59,962 --> 00:49:04,263 And she gets mixed up with a couple of secret agents. 661 00:49:04,433 --> 00:49:07,232 And she gets amnesia. 662 00:49:07,403 --> 00:49:10,771 And they take her to...